Are there any questions?

My fellow GTAs, what would you do if a student came up to you after class and the following conversation ensued:

Student: Can I ask you about your personal politics?
Me: Um, sure. What's up?
Student: Do you think that 9/11 was a conspiracy?
Me: What do you mean?
Student: Do you think that the 9/11 attacks were a military operation carried out by the government?
Me: ***shocked silence***

Discuss.

Shootout at the OK Britinn

Howdy cowpokes and buffalo gals!

That's right. LSW is back, bitches, if'n a tad tardy. What can I say, y'all? I was born two weeks late, and I haven't been on time since. I'm a'comin' to you live from Stone Creek Coffee, where they have the best coffee north of the Mason and Dixon line. 'Course nothing beats Texas coffee, boiled over a campfire 'neath a Texas sky, where the stars at night are big and bright. (Clap clap clap clap.)

Last week's trivia night saw the usual suspects roundin' up to bring HGS to a stunning victory over our nemeses the Van Buren Boys. Without further fuss, the highlights:

lemur catta continues his rule o' geography. Yes, that is Uzbekistan. I coulda sworn I heard him mutter, "Our globe mighta be outta date, but at least we beat them damn commies!"

parenthesis (girl) showed us that white kids do love that hip-hop (a title formerly held by neurotic wonderboy). Yep, I do believe that gal's as smart as Hermione Granger, and she's got some serious book learnin' on her.

Alistair LaQuisha Spiritrunner educated HGS here on the finer points of basketball. Point guards? Forwards? Oh you Yanks and your "sports."

GTA Feghoot showed off his undying love for IMDb. Oddjob was Ko-rean? Who knew? GTA Feghoot, that's who!

And me? Ah, I'm just the clean-up crew, here to say, "Hey y'all, I may be from Texas, but I done read real good. So, I'ma gonna say this flag belongs to none other than Bo-livia." Hey Wickens, you're a'slippin'!

At the end of it all, HGS racked up 35 points, which caused us to despair. We thought our goose was cooked. Tin roof. Rusted. Ya gotta understand, there was seventeen teams there that night, and we didn't think we had a slug's chance in hell to oust VBB from the champs table.

Wickens 'nounced the teams from lowest to highest score. The team names fell while the numbers rose. Two teams had 18 points, two had 24, then 25, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31. Then two teams had 32 points! Then another two had 33! HGS was a'ranked in the top three teams! You coulda cut the pro-verbial tension with a Bowie knife. Me and parenthesis (girl) started chanting, "Just one more with 34! Just one more with 34!" Sure enough, third place had 34! I looked over at parenthesis (girl), and said, "We're in the top two, but dang it all, those pesky VBB musta beat us!"

Then Wickens said the greatest thing I done ever heard. "We have a tie."

That's right. VBB and HGS, tied with 35 points at the toppa the heap.

What next? Sudden death, y'all. It felt like we was in the Old West, walkin' down main street, tumbleweeds a'driftin' past us. Who would draw first? Who would be the best shot in the Midwest?

The question: The Soviet Union was formed after World War I but in which year did this occur?

VBB: 1919
HGS: 1922

The answer: 1922.

Two teams enter! One team leaves! VBB went down in a rain of intellectual warfare. Raise your pistols to the sky, HGS, and blow off that gunpowder smoke. We gotta table and a title to defend. See y'all later tonight!

HGS 2.0: Cleaning Out My Closet 'Till I Collapse

Howdy y'all...aw...fuck it.

I'm really not feeling East Texas right now. Hell, I'm not even from East Texas (although I did go to college around those parts). I'm just not feeling E.T. right now. So, for now, I'll perform my section of Texas. But, tune in next week, gentle readers, and watch out for the return of the "real" Lone Star Writer.

Even though we got a great score, I still feel disheartened by Wednesday's trivia night. HGS is a fan-damn-tastic team, but I think we were at loggerheads last night more than we usually are. And that makes me kinda sad. Anyhow, I think I'm going to give us rap nicknames that reflect our individual talents:

GTA Feghoot: Filmalicious

lemur catta: Gangsta Geography

parenthesis (girl): DJ Shakespeare

Lone Star Writer: Salt-n-Pop Culture

It was also strange because HGS splintered last night. No, no fighting in the collective, but we made space for some of parenthesis (girl)'s hometown buddies.

Flora: Dr.Rasputin

Fauna: Funkmaster Rough Rider

Merriweather: Foxy Potter

(Sorry for the Disney reference, but I couldn't think of any other aliases.)

Here's to the splinter-group Stark-Naked and the Car Thieves, who posted an impressive score as well. Cheers to group members Alistair LaQuisha Spiritrunner, neurotic wonderboy, and Mister Ray. You were missed.

And, yeah, it's petty but I'm happy that the Van Buren Boys didn't actually get fifty-one points; they got fourty-nine (check the Quizmaster's blog if you don't believe me). I guess the team members that graded the VBB's quiz weren't exactly Mathletes. (Sorry. That's cruel. I should've said they were mathletically challenged.) In short, first place is not impossible; they're only six points ahead, and there's five weeks in front of us. What can I say, y'all? It's time to start chipping away.

ANIs #3; or, is this what you had in mind, GTA Feghoot?

Well, I decided to take pity on GTA Feghoot, and find him a truly awesome name. I can't say how I found it, but it's real. And it's spectacular.

Starlesha Brazil

There. Is that worthy of awesome-ness?

ANIs #2

Well, GTA Feghoot, I think the American Puritans get a medal in this competition. Here's some of the crazy names they gave their kids:

Misercordia-Adulterina
Job-Raked-Out-Of-The-Ashes
Small-Hope
The-Lord-is-Near
Fight-the-Good-Fight-Of-Faith
Be-Courteous
Kill-Sin
Safely-On-High

Ah dumb names, the punishment that keeps on giving.

The Official Football Player of HGS (Awesome Name Series #1)

As many of you have probably now realized by reading my previous posts, I have an interest in nomenclature. Oh yes, I have been known from time to time to submit papers in graduate seminars that utilize Lacanian psychoanalytic theory in order to analyze the use of language and the act of naming to discuss power dynamics in the novels of Charles Dickens (see Feghoot's "Handles and Handels: Nomenclature as Ownership in Dickens's Great Expectations"). For this post, however, I do not want to venture into critical theory as much as I would like to create awareness and promote appreciation for those people in our world who have been bestowed awesome names. I hope that other contributors to this blog will, over time, add their own Awesomely Named Individuals (ANIs) to the discussion. So here it is: the inaugural post in the Awesome Name Series.

I just recently finished watching my TIVOed Fox Soccer Report (not an entirely exciting program, but useful for preparing for the weekly pub quiz) on which they include a weekly feature known as "Saves of the Week." During this feature, they showed the highlight saves by an Argentinean goalkeeper whose name is:

FABIAN ASSMANN.

Fabian is actually his middle name, which makes all the difference in terms of his awesomeness since his first name is actually, get this, Walter. He wears the number one on his jersey, so I found it fitting that he be number one in our Awesome Name series. So here's to you, Walter Fabian Assmann: number one for Club Atletico Independiente, number one in our hearts!

HGS 2.0: So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs

Some trivia questions for y'all:

What is hotter than a summer revival?
What is hotter than a burning stump?
What is hotter than a honeymoon hotel?

Answer: Hot Grad Students!

With an impressive forty outta forty-four points, HGS won round four of the Britinn pub quiz. Yippee-kay-yay! Not only that, but HGS scrambled up the league ladder to claim second place, knocking 26 + 6 = 2 into third and My Dick Has More Bend Than David Beckham's Freekicks outta the champions' booth. Watch out Van Buren Boys, we're a'comin' for you next! Remember, there're two theories to beatin' HGS, and neither one works.

For all ya sports fan out there, here's the night's highlights:

parenthesis (girl) pulled Electric Six outta that massive brain of hers. That gal's as hot as the hinges of hell.

lemur catta knew the Whigs were created to oppose Andrew Jackson (AKA Rat Bastard). Damn, but he's as hot as a two-dollar pistol.

GTA Feghoot cleaned up the film and teevee section once again. That boy's as hot as a preacher's knee.

Mister Ray knew that the Kroeger brothers are part of Nickelback. Whooooeee, but he's as hot as fur coat in Marfa.

And LSW? As luck would have it, I brung mah new-fangled laptop to the Britinn. Me and parenthesis (girl) looked up last minute soccer info. That's how we knew where the last three World Cups was held. I guess that makes me as hot as a stolen tamale. And since I got to the Britinn so early I saw the sun kiss the sky, I was given the honor of takin' our winnins – a bottle a Vincent Van Gogh Raspberry Vodka – backta mah humble abode. As a true-blue Texan, I'd rather drink sarsaparilla, but ah guess that commie stuff'll do alright.

In stupid news, Weirdbeard continued his hecklin' of HGS when he flipped off parenthesis (girl) in a weird foreign sorta way. Hey Weirdbeard, we know ya gotch ya issues, but don't hang ya wash on someone else's line. Being a sore loser only makes ya look like ya just fell off the watermelon truck. Shoot but iff'n that boy's as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.

In bonus news, here's some HGSisms of the night:

"Who smells like bacon?"
"The nickel was right!"

Oh yeah baby. In case ya didn't notice, we are hot, hot, hot.

HGS 2.0: The Weekly Round-up

Howdy cowpokes! Since GTA Feghoot and parenthesis (girl) are off entertaining parental units (who may or may not become honorary members of HGS next week – stay tuned loyal readers!), I figured I'd step up to the plate and do the weekly in summation.

HGS is still in third place overall, with only four points between us and second place, five between us and first. And let me tell you folks, this race is gonna be closer to call than a Michael Vick dog fight (What? Too soon?).

This past week HGS gave good show (one point away from the two teams tied at second, two away from first), even though we were continually heckled all night by someone that HGS has dubbed "Weird Beard." As mah pappy woulda said, that boy's all hat and no cattle. (Personally, I woulda said he's so ugly he looks like he was born downwind from an outhouse, but then I'm not as nice as mah pappy.)

Speaking of things that just ain't right. As you know, I'm a newbie on HGS so I only heard vague rumors about the chilly reception that they get at the BrittInn, like how other teams won't clap for them at the end. Even so, I was still shocked at how rude these Yankees can be. I know mah momma didn't raise me to be a sore loser, but I guess some people was weaned on sour grapes. As mah momma woulda said, them sums-o-bitches were probably born inna barn, and if their brains were leather, they couldn't saddle a flea. (Personally, I woulda said they couldn't pour piss outta boot with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel, but then I'm not as charitable as mah momma.)

Although HGS did well, I don't think I contributed much. I felt like a blister; I only showed up when the work was done. Here are stirring tales of people who didn't sit on their goshdarned spurs:

GTA Feghoot knew who the heck Phileas Fogg was – an explorer from Jules Verne's Around the World in Eighty Days. In other words, he's ridin' high in tall cotton. Most of us literary types, though, were amused that this question got shuttled under the "History and Politics" category. As you Yanks 'cross the pond might say: Honestly.

parenthesis (girl) rightly stood up to LSW here, insistin' that the three counties in Wisconsin that began with a "J" were Jackson, Jefferson, and Juneau. It was not Jasper County, which is actually in East Texas. Ah well. You can take the Texan out of Texas… Anyhow here's to parenthesis (girl), whose determination shows she'd charge hell with a bucket of water.

Yet again, lemur catta showed off his mad geography skillz. (Armenia? Yukon? Yowza!) What can I say? That boy's as serious as the business end of a .45.

If'n that don't beat a hen peckin,' Alistair LaQuisha Spiritrunner was gay enough to know that Justin Guarini was runner-up on the first season of American Idol. Yup, that gal's slickern butter.

Someone not on this blog – let's call her THE WAD – knew that "Octopussy's Garden" was not one of The Beatles' number one hits. That Wad: she's so hot the fire ants don't sting her.

Next week, the mighty HGS will once again travel the long miles to the BrittInn. I wouldn't declare it's far away, but most Texans would say, "You need to get where? Well, here's whatcha do. Turn left past yonder, and it's two hoots and a holler away." Never mind that; we'll be there folks. Just remember this sage advice: a drought usually ends with a flood. By the way, for all of those out there who are as smart as mashed potatoes, that last sentence meant: watch out for the rise of HGS! Don't call it a comeback. We've been here for years.

For now, as they say in Mexican, adios compadres. But y'all come back now, ya hear?